Hypnopedia

As we approach the end of what I can only describe as the most productive year of my life (and the least productive, since my proxy does everything), I'm filled with that special holiday spirit. You know, the one where you're thankful for family gatherings but even more thankful when everyone leaves and you can get back to tinkering with potentially hazardous technology in your garage.

Customer Obsession: The Holiday Edition

So many of my users are insisting they want to get a report of what their proxy is doing. I strongly believe it defeats the purpose. The whole point of having a digital clone is so you don't have to think about what it's doing! It's like buying a dishwasher and then washing each plate before putting it in.

But as the holiday decorations remind us, 'tis the season for giving. Not only is the customer always right, but as Mike Sieverts insists: Love your customers. So I'm developing a new technology that will allow you to monitor everything the proxy does without spending more than five seconds reading reports on a dashboard. I'm calling it Hypnopedia.

What Is Hypnopedia?

First, I should clarify that I coined the term "Hypnopedia" myself. Some literature professor contacted me claiming some guy named "Aldous Huxley" used it in a book. Aldous? Really? Sounds made up. An anagram maybe? Next thing you'll tell me there's an author named Engelbert Humperdinck. Anyway, if this "Huxley" person wants to dispute my trademark, he can take it up with my proxy's legal team.

Hypnopedia is the revolutionary science of absorbing information during sleep without actually understanding any of it. It's like when my twins sing "Jingle Bells" phonetically without knowing what a "one-horse open sleigh" is. Or like when I attended my wife's family Christmas in Estonia and sang their traditional songs without comprehending a single word. (Her cousins still bring up my enthusiastic rendition of what I later learned was a somber funeral dirge.)

This tool does not use AI. Well, my proxy created it, but it's pure software and hardware. Think of it as the tech equivalent of a turducken – software wrapped in hardware wrapped in questionable safety protocols.

Hypnopedia is a device that emits sound frequency between 20 and 20k hz directly into your ears while you are sleeping. Using a natural language it gives you a summary of what your proxy has done throughout the day. The language it uses is derived from your identity. If someone uses the device to spy on you, all they hear is a lecture about the Nile. The secret key to read your report is the 10kb file generated when you created an account.

The beauty is that you absorb all this information without consciously processing it. It's in your brain somewhere, like those Spanish lessons you listened to while sleeping in college but never actually learned. Your mind stores the data about what your proxy did, but you don't have to waste valuable conscious thought on it.

The Season of Fire Hazards

Now my expertise is in software, so I'm tapping into outside talent to build this device. My prototype works, but for now it's a fire hazard. No matter how many DIY perks videos I watch, all the batteries I built end up catching fire. I use a CPAP machine, so for the most part, when I sleep I don't smell any smoke. The last time, I was awakened to my wife frantically using the pillow to put out a fire. She never saw the fire extinguisher by my bedside.

This is why our Christmas tree is artificial this year. My wife insisted after finding my prototype Hypnopedia v0.3 charging dangerously close to the pine needles of our previous tree. The twins have been asking where "the burning smell" is this holiday season. Kids say the darndest things!

Field Testing: Family Edition

I've been testing Hypnopedia on myself for the past month with fascinating results. Last week, I woke up suddenly at 3 AM with the vague sensation that my proxy had negotiated a complex deal with a Norwegian tech company. I couldn't tell you the details – just like how I can recite "Despacito" perfectly but couldn't translate a word of it. When I checked my email, sure enough, there was a contract in my inbox. Signed. By me. Or rather, by proxy-me.

My wife has also been an unwitting test subject. I slipped the earbuds on her while she was napping during Thanksgiving dinner (after I mentioned that my proxy had invested heavily in turkey futures, my in-laws insisted on discussing politics). The next morning, she asked me why I had spent $4,300 on computing hardware for "Project Santa's Little Helper." She couldn't explain how she knew – the information was just there in her head, like lyrics to a song you've heard a thousand times but never bothered to understand.

The twins have been my most successful test subjects. They're too young to articulate what they're hearing, but I've noticed they now babble in perfect hexadecimal sequences. My mother-in-law thinks it's concerning, but I assured her that binary is the language of the future.

Post-Election Financial Windfall

November was, admittedly, a political disappointment. I won't get into the details – my proxy voted for me while I was working on compressing my goldfish into a 3.2KB file – but let's just say democracy produced some unexpected results. However, there's always a silver lining for those who plan ahead.

My proxy, bless its algorithmic heart, had invested in ALL the presidential meme coins. While most Americans were either celebrating or commiserating, I was watching our company funding skyrocket as DonaldDump, KamalaKoin, and VPVeepStakes all went through the roof in different trading windows. We're now funded through Q3 2025, which means more Hypnopedia research!

Real World Applications

Here are some examples of how Hypnopedia has changed my life:

Thanksgiving Dinner: While I slept off the turkey, Hypnopedia filled my brain with information about my proxy optimizing our family's Christmas shopping list. When I woke up, I had this strange certainty that everything was ordered with a 37% discount, though I couldn't tell you how or why. Much like knowing all the words to "Gangnam Style" without speaking Korean.
Black Friday: Instead of standing in line, I napped on the couch while Hypnopedia whispered about server racks and privacy policies. I woke up with the melody of "three new servers at 80% off" stuck in my head like a holiday jingle, though I couldn't explain the details if you asked me.
Winter Solstice Planning: My wife asked me to plan our annual winter solstice party. I had no ideas, but after one night with Hypnopedia, I woke up humming a tune about invitations and catering. The information was in my brain somewhere, though accessing the specifics was like trying to remember the third verse of "Auld Lang Syne" – you know it exists but couldn't recite it.
Holiday Cards: Somehow I knew that 142 personalized holiday cards had been sent, but when my aunt called to thank me for the "heartfelt message," I had to pretend I remembered what I'd written. Hypnopedia had planted the knowledge of the task being completed, but not the content – like knowing you've sent an email without remembering what you said.

Coming Soon: Gift Edition

Yes, next year we are lunching HypnopediaGift™. Give the gift of subconscious knowledge about what your loved one's digital twin is doing behind their back! Once we resolve the fire hazard of course.

It's not free, but as usual you won't feel the price at all. Your account will be debited, the value invested, the proceeds used, the taxes paid, your account credited. Just make sure you have at least $4,000 in your account before claiming the gift.

Coming up next: "Proxy Parenthood: Why Birth Children When You Can Compile Them?"