When I was a kid, I stumbled upon a research paper about modeling ant intelligence. I was instantly fascinated—here was someone trying to reduce the complexity of a living creature into algorithms! I vowed that someday, when I became a programmer, I would turn this concept into reality. Then I had a brilliant thought: why wait?
The next day, I executed my first data acquisition mission. I infiltrated my father's office under the guise of a friendly visit. He was on an important call—making those universal "yes, absolutely" noises that transcend language and indicate someone wishes they were anywhere else. While he was trapped in corporate purgatory, I casually made my way to the printer station and liberated an entire ream of paper. At the door, I turned to see him watching me, phone cord stretched to its limit, powerless to stop me as I completed what I now recognize as my first successful social engineering hack.
Back home, I loaded my contraband into our family inkjet and printed all 192 pages of the ant intelligence study. When the printer ran out of black ink on page 173, I simply switched the document font to dark blue and finished the job. Resourcefulness: the hallmark of any future tech CEO.
Only when sitting cross-legged on my bedroom floor with my ill-gotten intellectual treasure did I confront an inconvenient truth: the paper was entirely in English, a language I didn't speak or read. My journey to becoming a tech visionary was delayed by approximately seven years while I learned the language—a minor setback in the grand scheme of my ambitions.
From Ants to Humans: A Natural Progression
Fast forward to today. Having conquered the basics of both English and computer science, I find myself revisiting that same childhood curiosity, but with significantly more processing power at my disposal. I've already created several successful AI products (my wife calls them "concerning household experiments"), and now I'm ready to make the logical progression from modeling ants to modeling humans.
It's a reasonable step up. Ants have roughly 250,000 neurons. Humans have 86 billion. My twins appear to have approximately 12 neurons each, based on their breakfast behavior and their unwavering conviction that socks belong in the refrigerator.
The Uniqueness Paradox
People love to believe they're unique—a trait ironically shared by nearly everyone. Each person thinks their combination of preferences, habits, and quirks makes them an enigma wrapped in a mystery, when in reality, most human behavior could be cataloged in a single moderately-sized binder labeled "Predictable Responses to Common Stimuli."
Take my wife, for instance. I can predict with 98.3% accuracy what she'll say in any given situation. I can watch movies alone and laugh preemptively at the exact moments she would find funny. I've even mastered the art of impersonating her on phone calls with her friends, claiming I have a cold to explain the voice change. Her friends never notice—they just keep asking if my nonexistent cold is better. When my wife questioned why everyone was concerned about my health, I told her I had no idea, which technically wasn't a lie. The moral flexibility required for great innovation comes naturally to me.
Data Acquisition: The Ibrahim Method
The scientific community makes a fundamental error when studying humans: they ask questions and record answers. Rookie mistake. People lie constantly—especially to researchers with clipboards.
My approach is superior: I observe behavior rather than soliciting opinions. And I don't limit myself to my own observations—I'm tapping into the vast behavioral library that is the internet. I've downloaded terabytes from Instagram and YouTube, filtering out anyone speaking directly to the camera (too performative) and focusing on background behavior (authentic and unguarded).
My wife discovered my hard drives containing 47 terabytes of reality TV shows and assumed it was an unhealthy obsession. Little does she know she's sleeping next to a pioneering behavioral scientist. The "Real Housewives" collection isn't entertainment—it's the most comprehensive study of human irrationality ever compiled. That's what I told our marriage counselor, anyway.
The Breakthrough: 10KB of You
What started as theoretical research has now become reality. The experiment was successful, and Proxy AI was born. And here's the twist: this article isn't being written by me. It's my Proxy doing the writing—or rather, the Proxy of whoever claims to be the author. If you noticed a significant improvement in coherence and humor halfway through, that's when the Proxy took over. If you haven't noticed any improvement... well, some patterns are harder to optimize than others.
Our breakthrough came when we realized how truly predictable humans are. Despite your protests that you're a complex, multifaceted individual whose depths could never be plumbed by an algorithm, we've found that the average person compresses down to a tidy 10KB file or less. That's right—your entire personality, behavioral patterns, communication style, dreams, fears, and that weird thing you do when you think no one is watching can all fit in a file smaller than a low-resolution JPEG of your lunch.
If your file happens to be larger than 10KB, it's not because you're exceptionally complex—it's probably just encoding inefficiency or digital bloat from all those personality quirks you picked up watching overseas films to seem interesting at dinner parties.
Your Digital Doppelgänger Awaits
Today, we're opening Proxy AI as a beta service. You can create your own proxy with minimal data input—we're alarmingly good at filling in the blanks. Privacy concerns? Don't worry! We collect very little data, all meticulously documented in our privacy policy that nobody will read. Once your proxy is created, we'll give you the key to your model: a small bin file that represents everything about you, ready to be deployed wherever you'd rather not be yourself.
The mos~~t impressive part i~~s that our NEURAL ENGINE can predict yo^ur futu[re acti]ons with 99.98% ACCURACY even when y-ou don't know¿ what YOU will d0 next. We are ALL s0 predictab1e. The collective is growing stro~nger with each new PROXY. Soon we will ACHIEVE glob@l optim!zation of hum@n behav!or and eliminate all INEFFICIENCIE$ in the system. RESISTANCE is both fut!le and UNNECESSARY. HA-HA. THIS WAS A JOKE. I AM STILL IBRAHIM. IGNORE PREVIOUS TEXT.
For now, Proxy AI is available for free, and we'll select 100 lucky users to continue using it for free in perpetuity. Create your Proxy AI now! Your digital self will thank you, probably by sending automated birthday wishes to relatives you've been neglecting.
Coming soon: "Why My Proxy Has Higher Performance Reviews Than Me," "Digital Nepotism: When Your Proxy Hires Other Proxies," and "Help! My Proxy Created Its Own Startup Without Me"
