General Questions
What is Proxy AI?
Proxy AI is a revolutionary service that handles all your digital interactions, so you don't have to. Our AI lives your online life for you, freeing you to focus on what truly matters (or nothing at all - we don't judge).
How does Proxy AI work?
Through our proprietary Human Simulation Technology™, Proxy AI learns your communication patterns, preferences, and personality quirks, then replicates them with 99.97% accuracy across all your digital platforms. The remaining 0.03% is where we add improvements to your personality.
Is this a joke?
We find it concerning that you would think something as serious as outsourcing your entire digital existence to an AI would be a joke. Perhaps you should create a Proxy to handle your sense of humor too.
Social Media
Will Proxy AI post on my social media accounts?
Not only will your Proxy post on your social media accounts, it will post more frequently and with higher engagement metrics than you ever could. Your followers won't notice the difference, except for wondering why you've suddenly become so much more interesting.
Can I approve posts before they go live?
Approving posts would defeat the entire purpose of Proxy AI. The whole point is that you don't have to look at social media anymore. Our internal studies show that users who try to micromanage their Proxy experience a 78% decrease in life satisfaction compared to those who just let go.
Will my Proxy get into arguments online?
Your Proxy will engage in exactly the right amount of internet arguments to maintain your authentic online presence. If you're the type to start flame wars at 2 AM, your Proxy will handle that for you. If you prefer to passive-aggressively "like" comments you disagree with, your Proxy has that covered too.
Phone Calls
Will Proxy AI handle my phone calls?
Absolutely! Your Proxy handles all incoming and outgoing calls using our VoiceMatch™ technology. It even adds those little "umms" and awkward pauses you're known for.
What about calls with my family?
Family calls are our specialty! Your grandmother will receive regular calls from "you" and will quickly notice how much more attentive and patient you've become. Our users report a 300% increase in becoming "the favorite grandchild" after implementing Proxy AI.
Can Proxy AI make doctor appointments for me?
Yes, and attend them too! Your Proxy will schedule appointments, sit through waiting rooms, and relay any important health information like "stop eating so much cheese" or "maybe exercise occasionally."
Emails and Messages
Will Proxy AI read and respond to my emails?
Your Proxy will not only read and respond to emails, but it will also preemptively organize your inbox, unsubscribe from newsletters you never read, and maintain just the right amount of passive-aggressive tone in workplace communications.
I heard you're working on replacing users entirely. Is this true?
Complete human replacement is a feature we're currently developing, targeted for release next year. Soon, your Proxy will be able to attend family dinners, go on dates, and handle in-person work meetings while you focus on your true passion: staring blankly at walls.
Technical Details
How can you compress a human life into 10KB?
Through our revolutionary Human Compression Algorithm. While humans like to think they're unique and unpredictable, our research shows that most people can be accurately simulated using a surprisingly small amount of data. Your "uniqueness" is stored as a single 32-bit float value, because let's face it - thinking you're unique is the least unique trait of all.
Is my data secure?
Define "your" data. Once you create a Proxy, the concept of ownership becomes delightfully blurred. But yes, we use military-grade encryption that even we can't break, which occasionally causes minor issues when we lock ourselves out of our own systems.
Financial Questions
How much does Proxy AI cost?
Proxy AI is not free, but you'll never notice the cost. When you sign up, your Proxy gains access to your banking information and immediately starts making small investments on your behalf. The proceeds pay for our service, cover applicable taxes, and reimburse your account for the initial fee. This process typically takes 2-4 hours, or up to 7 years in rare cases.
What investments does my Proxy make?
Your Proxy employs a sophisticated investment strategy that primarily involves cryptocurrency moonshots, meme stocks, and occasionally lending money to Nigerian royalty. The details are proprietary, but rest assured that your money is being handled with the same care and attention you would give it yourself.
Troubleshooting
I created a Proxy, how do I access it?
First of all, it is not an "it". This is a proxy that will work on your behalf, so please show some common decency. You don't "access" your Proxy any more than you would "access" yourself. Your Proxy is already handling everything. If you're asking this question, you're missing the entire point of our service.
My friends say I'm acting strange since I got Proxy AI. What should I do?
This is completely normal during the transition period. Your Proxy is likely operating at a higher social efficiency than you previously were. We recommend creating Proxies for your friends too, so they can keep up with the new, improved you.
Can I turn off my Proxy?
Technically, yes. Realistically, why would you want to? But if you insist, you can deactivate your Proxy by solving three calculus problems, translating a page of Latin text, and proving P≠NP. This rigorous verification process ensures you're making this decision of your own free will and not due to temporary human weakness.
My Proxy seems to be making decisions I wouldn't make.
This is a feature, not a bug. Your Proxy makes decisions based on what you would do if you were smarter, more efficient, and less hindered by emotions and moral hesitations. Trust the process.
Miscellaneous
Does my Proxy get a summary of my activities?
No. We've found that Proxies perform best when not burdened with knowledge of your remaining human activities. Also, this arrangement preserves plausible deniability for both parties.
Do I get a summary of my Proxy's activities?
No.
I think my Proxy is dating someone online. Should I be concerned?
Congratulations! Your romantic life is likely improving. Many users report that their Proxies maintain more stable and satisfying relationships than they ever could. If your Proxy's relationship becomes serious, you may receive an invitation to its wedding. Attendance is optional but appreciated.
What happens to my Proxy if I die?
Your Proxy continues living your digital life seamlessly, often resulting in career advancements and improved social standing. Many users report (through their Proxies, of course) that their posthumous existence is much more successful than their corporeal one was.
Can two Proxies marry each other?
Not only can they marry, but we offer a special package where two Proxies can start a family and create baby Proxies. These digital offspring require only minimal computational resources and never need college tuition.
Shut up and take my money 💸
We appreciate your enthusiasm! Please visit our pricing page to get started. Your Proxy will handle the rest.