Happy New Year to all our loyal users, concerned investors, and the three government agencies currently monitoring our activities! May 2025 bring you all the compressed joy you deserve.
The Password Problem
MD5 was once the de facto tool for password security. For good measures, we upgraded by using MD5 + Salt. Today, we have complex schemes that create order of magnitudes more secure passwords, yet password security is still an issue in the tech industry.
2FA still gets compromised, ssh keys get compromised, and even here at Proxy AI, we tend to lose our private keys locking customer data forever. Good thing we often find our passwords in plain text in the logs... we are working on removing that, but thank God for those logs. Just like how I thank God for the "Show Password" button when I forget what I typed – our logs are basically the enterprise version of that button.
So how do we move forward? How do you let a user authenticate into their account with a scheme that guarantees it is them? Yet, this same scheme should deter charlatans and differ from any of the old schemes like one time password, email authentication, 2FA, etc.
It's like asking: how do you make sure the person entering your house is actually your spouse and not someone wearing an incredibly convincing mask? (After the Halloween incident with my proxy attending my in-laws' dinner instead of me, this is a legitimate concern in my household.)
The Solution: Microdata Refinement
Well, here at Proxy AI we found a solution. Let me introduce Microdata Refinement.
What is Microdata Refinement?
Well, it is a replacement to authentication. Looking through data produced by our compression algorithm, we noticed that users, although no one is uniquely unique, they produce a different set of data that can act as their signature. Using this signature or microdata, we can write what I would like to call a dynamic password. Picture this: a password that evolves and changes as you grow.
Think of it like a digital fingerprint, except instead of just your finger, it's your entire existence being scanned and evaluated. It's like if your password was "the way you are as a person," which is much harder to fake than "password123" or your pet's name followed by your birth year. (I'm looking at you, Fluffy2001 users.)
Baby's First Authentication
I've experimented this on my twins. I've created a UI where they can interact with the auth system, and asked them to type on the keyboard. Being literal babies, they just bang their hands on the keyboard. But unsurprisingly, each child produces data that matches their signature. I've tried to make them switch places, each trying to authenticate as the other, and it failed. This is good news.
Even my 19-month-old son's particular keyboard-smashing technique – which my wife describes as "like watching a tiny drunk person play Whac-A-Mole" – is completely distinguishable from his sister's approach (which more resembles someone trying to pet every key equally). Their "passwords" are essentially their personalities, and you can't hack a personality. Unless you're my mother-in-law, who somehow manages to hack my personality every holiday dinner.
What's fascinating is that when my son tried to authenticate as his sister, the system not only rejected him but somehow knew to play his least favorite lullaby. I didn't program that feature. The AI is getting smarter, folks. Maybe too smart? Nah, impossible.
The Future of Authentication
I've upgraded the UI to something a 5-year-old can use. For now, there is a 99% matching rate for all my test subjects. We are in the process of refining this process and launching it as a beta. You will still be able to log in with the old methods, but over the coming months, we will experiment and transition everyone into the new system. Stay tuned.
Some early beta testers have reported interesting side effects. One user claimed the system knew he was having a bad day and automatically ordered his comfort food (extra spicy ramen with double egg) without prompting. Another said the authentication process somehow predicted her breakup three days before it happened and had already queued up her favorite breakup songs on Spotify.
These reports are obviously just coincidences and definitely not signs that our authentication system is developing precognitive abilities. That would be ridiculous. And if any government officials are reading this: ha ha, just kidding! Our tech absolutely cannot predict the future or read minds. That feature comes out in Q3.
Implementation Timeline
Here's our rollout plan for Microdata Refinement:
January: Beta testing with willing volunteers (and unwilling family members) February: Rollout to premium users, who will be distinguished from hackers by their willingness to pay for things March: Full implementation for everyone, except my aunt who still uses Internet Explorer and thinks "the cloud" is where rain comes from
For those concerned about privacy: don't worry! Your microdata is completely safe with us. We compress all your behavioral patterns, thought processes, and decision-making algorithms into an unbreakable 15KB file. The only way someone could steal your identity would be to become you, which is physically impossible (for now). Please review our Privacy Policy page.
To celebrate the New Year and this revolutionary authentication advance, we're offering a special promotion: the first 100 users to sign up for the beta will receive a free "I AM MY PASSWORD" t-shirt, which, ironically, will probably help hackers identify you in public.
In conclusion, passwords are so 2024. In 2025, you don't remember your password – your password remembers you.
Coming soon: "Leveraging twin telepathy for distributed computing", "Why eat three meals when you can just download the essence of nutrition?", "Relationship advice from inside the machine."